Imagine how surprised and indeed honoured the tireless volunteers at L.A.D. headquarters were when we received an invitation for one of us to attend an audience with loyalism's premier author, philosopher, strategist and media darling, Jamie Bryson!  Admittedly, it was not a direct invite, but issued via the secretary of the Donaghadee Playschool who are, we're told, handling Bryson's PR.

 Undaunted, and filled with pride, L.A.D. held a draw to see who would be the one lucky enough to meet with the great Bryson himself.  After much bickering, a little fisticuffs and some thinly veiled threats, big Ramsden 'Brick' Johnston was selected as our roving reporter and this is his interview with the man hissel.
Somewhere with caravans
I arrive at the holiday village just north of Donaghadee and I'm shown to an unremarkable mobile home by a spotty young lad with a nervous look.  After giving a convoluted knock on the door of the caravan, the door is opened and I'm met by a boy with bony features, a mess of blonde hair and the look of divvilment in his eyes.  Thus begins my audience with Jamie Bryson, King Fleg himself.  Once inside, Bryson returns to sit cross-legged among a pile of brightly coloured plastic toys strewn in one corner.  A burly looking fella sits silently on a stool in the corner behind me.

RJ: So, Jamie, I have to say that I'm delighted for to get the chance to speak to you.
Bryson appears engrossed with some Duplo bricks at this point but the burly fella grunts something unintelligible from the corner and Bryson stops playing and looks at me.
JB: Eh?  Whadidyousay?
Bryson comfortable in his home from home
RJ: It's great to meet you wee lad.
JB: Oh aye, well, you know I'm very familiar with the work of L.A.D. and I like the way you make loyalism look like the future for the United Kingdom of Northern Ireland and Great Britain.  I've stole some of your jokes too.  Hope you don't mind?

RJ: Err, no Jamie.  Knock yersel out there.  If you don't mind me asking, what's with all the toys?  Thought you would be a bit, you know... beyond that sort of thing.
JB: Ah these (Bryson swings his arm across the spread of toys)?  No, not toys you know.  They're ideas.  All colour coded ideas.  The red ones represent fleg ideas.  The blue ones are Pradesan civil rights ideas. The yellow ones are for marching and flutes and the red ones are for flegs.  Not sure what the other colours are called but.

RJ: That's green, that's whi... oh forget it.  You said red twice there.
JB: Did I?  Right.  Then the second lot represent political ideas like voting and Stormount and voting and stuff.

RJ: That's what I thought.  So you see yourself as a leader of loyalists.  What do you think qualifies you as such over like, say...  Winkie Irvine or Willie Frazer?
JB: Ehhhh, not sure who that first lad is but Willie Frazer is a great pal of mine and he's easy led.  I can pretty much get him to do all the stupid stuff while I concentrate on the important work of leading the Pradisan people to Stormount.  You see, I've writ a book or two and I know what I'm talking about when it comes to my direct line to God and being in touch with civil rights.  Plus I'm the only one with politics experience, having standed for election in 2011 and I even got 167 votes and that eh.  See I was born in 1990 leek and I missed all the shit, can I say shit, so I want to get a flavour of what the shit was all about even though that all them posh folk with jabs and that don't want any more shit.

RJ: I can see why you're such an inspiration to loyal Pradisans of the union, such as myself and the other volunteers of L.A.D.  Have you ever thought about running a chip shap?
JB: Is that like having a career like a politician?

RJ: Aye, pretty much the same thing to be honest.  What about this hunger strike thing?  Anything you'd like to set straight with fellow L.A.D.?  I mean there's a lot of differing stories about this.
JB: Stop right there.  Let me tell you this.  I was on a hunger strike and no doubt about it!  My normal diet consists of coco pops for breakfast, a Kinder Bueno for play time along with a bag of Tayto, spaghetti hoops and toast for lunch washed down with some chacklet milk, mebbys a couple of packets of wine gums in the afternoon then maw makes me whatever I fancy for my tea.  Usually fish fingers, chips and beans because that's my favourite like.  If I'm good and finish it all, I get a bowl of ice cream with sprinkles.  I like to end the day with a couple of jammie dodgers and a glass of nice cold milk before bed.
Now, I have a very high metabolism like a mouse see, which means I have to eat lots or I freeze to death, even in summer and that.  That means missing more than two meals for me is a hunger strike.  5 hours is a hunger strike.  It was a close thing for me.  The screws knew I didn't like curry so they deliberately made sure that was the only thing available because they're bastards and were trying to make me look stupid.

RJ: Glad you could clear that up for us all.  That makes us all the more proud of your achievements then.  What do you plan next, given your bail conditions?
JB: I was thinking of running a mobile disco or something leek.  One of the guys in prison says there's load of money to be made and you don't even need a big record collection.  Had tae look up what records are and that because they don't make them anymore do they.
Either that or something where I can stay out of the public eye.  I'm a bit fed up of all the publicity I've been getting lately.

RJ: So no firm plans then Jamie.  How about your prolific use of social media, do you think people take you seriously?
JB: To be honest Ramsden, I couldn't give a shit, they're all just #keyboardwarriors.  At the end of the day, they can say whatever they want but they're still just #keyboardwarriors and we'll see who is talking the sense come election time.  I predict landslide victories across the province of Northern Ireland and Great Britain and ye's will see I was right all along and that the Pradisan loyalist unionist people really are God's people and we will create a state of Ulster for Ulster people and Pradisans and loyalists and that.

RJ: I see ye've been blabbering on about horses a lot on the aul twitter and thon.  Are you planning on marrying one yerself and just testing the water or something?  I don't get it. The L.A.D. don't get it.  We need an explanation Jamie.
JB: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.  This horse is all mine.
Jamie advocates cross-species love. I think
RJ: Clear something up for me here Jamie.  What exactly is it that we're meant to want?
JB: What?  Who wants?  I want some sweeties.

RJ: Not sure I fo...
JB: SWEETIES!  I want sweeties!  Gimme gimme gimme sweeties!
(at this point Bryson becomes agitated and incoherent so I decide it's best to leave)

Well fellow L.A.D., there you have it.  I'm not sure what we can take from that interview.  

Is anything any clearer?  We fear not.  There is only one solution.
Camp Twaddell must go on!  NO SURRENDER
 

(For legal reasons we should point out this is an imaginary interview, much like Bryson's sense of importance or relevance)